tutus


2021-01-02

Well I am staying up late but what can you do. (You can go to sleep on time.) I hope I can pull this off, there is a lot to do but you never now. Things are getting out of hand...


2021-01-01

Woke up at 2 pm today. Bloody hell. Not getting enough sleep is really, really annoying. Gotta have that sleep. And hydration too. It's time to ramp up working on the project, time is running out, and there has been enough mucking about. So I'm going to sleep well now, no more staying up too late. I have to make sure to not drink coffee throughout the day. I do really love coffee, but it makes no sense to chug cup after cup.

I really miss playing card games with my friends. Not only do I love card games, I also love my friends. To socialize with them through playing some cards is a great feeling. Times are a bit tough, and card games aren't the most important thing in the world. I'd really like to come up with a card game played with twenty cards, ranked two through six. I have absolutely no idea what it's going to be like mechanically, as the only starting point I am using is the twenty low cards.

Spending time alone doesn't bother me that much, but it still feels weird. I'm not particularly introverted or extraverted, and I prefer to spend time by myself, but after a couple of days of socializing little or not at all I really start to miss my friends.

Gotta get that sleep.


2020-12-31

Woke up at eleven in the morning, basically mucked around watching videos until I went to my girlfriend's place to celebrate new year's eve. It was a good day, her parents are friendly and chatty people. And they cook so well; when you haven't eaten food that good in a while it makes you wonder why don't you prepare a nice meal once a week. It's not that difficult to do.

My brother in law proposed to his girlfriend, they're engaged now. They look so happy, I was heartwarming to see them looking at eachother, their faces blushing. It was probably the same intensity of emotions as the first time they kissed or something. Who would have thought proposal, and marriage too I suppose, would hit so hard, in a good way, after many years of being in a relationship? I've never witnessed a proposal so this was really interesting. I've also never been to a wedding; frankly weddings seem kind of weird to me, I'm not sure I'm going to like going to one. Celebrations with many people in general make me uncomfortable. It's probably because of all of those years of partying in high school and early college years. Too much alcohol and loud party music, at least for me. Also, drunks are really annoying and sometimes even sad people. I've had my fair share of embarassing moments when drunk; nothing terrible happened, but there was no need for anything bad to happen. I don't regret partying that much, because it wasn't just about drinking and dancing, you learn a lot about people. If you don't pass out first.

I wish I could go back to my first day of school, september ninth 2002. I'd just tell my self to make sure I always do my homework. I almost never did my homework. It might seem silly, but I believe not doing my homework is what has had the most profound impact on my life. Imagine barely doing any work for the first eighteen years of your life. Then you go to college, which is a different universe from primary school and high school. I could not believe what kind of work had to be done, and how little studying was required for all my previous education. I had almost all straight As, finished with a couple of Bs each year. In my first year of college I failed every class; in my second year I passed one. From then on it takes a little longer to describe, but the point is I'm still in college, all of my mates are undergraduates in grad school and or working, while I'm a grade A procrastinator.

I was diagnosed with depression in the summer of 2015. Before deciding to go to a psychiatrist, I spent many nights trying to figure out if I was a lazy person and responsible for my own failures or was I actually depressed. In reality it was both but at the time that did not occur to me. (Maybe it did but I don't remember.) My parents blamed themselves for my depression and poor results, saying they were not there for me in high school. They don't agree with me when I say it wasn't their fault.

The cause of depression was derealization and depersonalization cause by some kind of epilepsy. I'm not depressed anymore, for quite a while now, and it's bloody awesome, I would't wish depression on anyone. It's usually depicted as some kind of sadness or existential crisis. In my experience, it was detachment from any kind of pleasure, not in a hedonist kind of way; hanging out wasn't enjoyable, nor was studying, nor watching tv, nothing. I remember binging films for probably twenty hours and chainsmoking, expecting to have some fun at some point. I didn't feel sad, I just felt like there wasn't a reason for me personally to be alive; obviously, I haven't killed myself yet, my life is not bad and I think since one day I'm going to die I might as well try to experience what it's like. Not in a yolo kind of way. When I say experience, I mean it in an abstract kind of way, go through life in general and see what is going on. (I started rambling.)

One thing depression and epilepsy have taught me is that mental illness isn't an excuse for not behaving like one should. Yes, they've been a bit of a hurdle, but in my opinion they're not the biggest factor. So I'm very distrustful of people saying they didn't do something right because they have some kind of mental disorder.

There's a special kind of nausea I feel when I realize I dug my own grave by not doing any work. I ambushed myself. Ridiculous. I've felt like this for years now.

I have about two weeks left to finish two projects. I haven't even started them yet. Fuck being lazy and not doing any work, fuck all of that nonsense of slacking off being cool, fuck that saying "work smarter not harder" yeah it's true, but ninety percent of people who say that are not smart workers but smart asses, fuck their life coach bullshit. Fuck those "five tips to help you study". No matter how smart you work, you should still work hard, why would you pick one. Fucking smartasses. Fuck this IQ cult bullshit and praising hard science people as absolute geniuses. I had an IQ test to check I wasn't a retard and it turns out I'm above average in all areas. FUCK IQ. Not because it didn't give me super powers or something. Fuck it because of the way it's portrayed in general. "Wow, Mozart had an IQ of one billion!" "Wow, did you know this woman has the highest IQ, one bajillion?!". The most important thing you should take away from an iq test is if you're retarded or not. If you're not retarded, then you can achieve a lot by working. A person with a higher iq will have an easier time working, but they still have to work. So fuck this hype about intelligence. If you don't study and don't work you're fucked. And I hear people saying "you should work hard" once in a billion years. Of course IQ tests are useful, but fuck people for fetishizing iq. Everyone who ever achieved anything had to work hard.


2020-12-30

A more productive day than yesterday; although I didn't type anything out, I went through some of the theoretical material necessary for my project. I'll probably stay up late past midnight into the thirtyfirst. Last night, I fell asleep at five AM, I was looking at my phone the whole night. There's a kind of illusion that if I go to sleep and decide to spend some time on my phone I deserve to chill out after working or studying. In reality I feel exhausted because I'm stressed because I started working on my project late. Well tonight I'm not going to bed, I'll just stay up and program until I get tired. I have to get my life in order, including but not limited to: sleep, diet, exercise. Sleep pattern is absolutely wrecked; honestly, it's not rocket science, I'm just greedy and want to waste time. My diet is not particularly unhealthy, I eat fruit and vegetables, and I generally have diverse meals, but sometimes I skip breakfast. I don't exercise enough, in fact almost at all these days; my back hurts because the muscles are very weak, I have kyphoscoliosis. I really need to do some basic back exercises. If I continue with my current exercise habits my back will turn into pure pain when I reach thirty.

I forgot to tell my dad not to give bacon to my dog; it always gives him heartburn... I gave him some yoghurt, though, and that definitely helped, he's relaxed now, and sleeping. I'm an idiot, I really have to pay attention to that. The dog will literally eat bread, and other bland tasting foods, there's no need to give him salty, greasy foods which would upset a human's stomach.

I'm going through some old cds now; there's plenty of unlabeled ones. It's mostly old movies and tv shows, and some pictures and music. I always find it exciting to go through old books, photos, discs and such, they are tiny pieces of time travel. These cds contain a lot of old songs, from about fifteen years ago, and older. At that time there were plenty of good songs on mtv, I first heard Daft Punk's one more time on mtv, I was fascinated by their sound, and by their diverse discography. Yes it's all electronic music, but it's quite different and their style really develops over time. I'm listening to plain white t's hey there delilah; I hate these kind of pathetic songs in most cases, but some of theme have a special kind of sound. If I could pinpoint what this factor is I'd be ery happy. That track "if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world" is so damn annoying I cringed while typing these lyrics out; I'd say it is similar to hey there delilah, but I find the latter really nostalgic and emotional, while the former just sounds like pathetic teenager crap. Confusing...

It's already past midnight, I should get to work on my project and not mess around.


2020-12-29

I think I need some place to place my thoughts. I could probably write text files on my computer, but it seemed like a good idea to put it on a website. I might switch over to text files eventually.

I'm really tired. I procrastinate all the time; I'm wasting my parents' money by failing classes year after year. Twenty five years old, still in college, and it's taking long for no good reason. Even though I'm in a relationship and attending college, I feel like a NEET. I basically have no ambition. I have been stagnating for years now. Sure, I have some kind of epilepsy and the doctor confirmed it messes with my thoughts and concentration, so I take antiepileptics; but I know epilepsy has nothing to do with my state of mind. I want to ask someone what their longterm goals are but I'm kind of afraid they'll laugh at me so I haven't done that yet.

Right now I'm supposed to be studying, writing a project that is. But instead I decided to start a diary... Maybe if I put my thoughts on paper or something similar they'll stop bothering me so much and I'll actually be able to get to work.

Technology is cursed as hell... As someone who experienced the gradual increase of internet speed I can't help but wonder how information overload will affect younger generations. I distinctly remember internet being slow, using a 56k modem to load basic websites, it was a luxury and was used to access valuable information, not screw around watching top ten lists and "fun facts". Just today both my brother and father were sitting with me and "socializing", both staring right into their phones; my father scrolling through TikTok memes, my brother scrolling through his Instagram feed. I don't mean to judge them, although I am very annoyed. I myself spend a lot of time on the internet, but when around people I actually put away any devices and turn off the tv. A decade and a half ago this mindless browsing was absent from our daily lives, for the most part; sure, you could shuffle channels on tv, but you'd eventually come to the conclusion that "there's nothing on tv", but there's always something on the internet. Honestly, at that time, in my early teens, even though I spent a lot of time on my computer, I was actually playing video games. When not on the PC I was hanging out with friends. When not doing that I was studying. But as time goes on it becomes easier to waste time, because instant gratification like memes and tv shows become super accessible. Things are really getting out of hand. Maybe people should be educated about using the internet, and warned about how addicting surfing the web can be.

I tried a neat quake source port today, vkQuake. I'm not yet sure how the vulkan api works, but the game looks really good.

I spent over five hours on youtube today, what the hell...

Useful things done today: went to the shop to buy coffee and soda (hey, it's something), took out the trash, washed the dishes, worked on a project for a bit.

Useless things done today: watched a lot of useless videos (you know they're useless when you can't even remember what you watched), played quake, browsed wikipedia for train simulator games I'm not even going to play.

Remember, turn off the internet and don't surf the web. At least quake is fun.